OSHA has released the following Halloween safety guidelines:
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER
check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has
gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other
language which they should not know, shoot them immediately.
It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it
will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be
prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody
else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go
it alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to
Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This
would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise
and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short
circuits; just get out!
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a
good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're
sure you know that you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall
down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you
are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's
still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit
uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for
blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill
them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of
which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania,
Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the
Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
Nilbog = goblin backwards? Echo
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do
not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help.
If you think that it is strange because you thought you had
half of a tank, shoot your-self instead. You are going to die
anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now
is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses
that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic
practices in your house.
18. When trying to escape from a serial killer, never run UPstairs.
(text/plain)
